Character Interviews
by Col98
Summary: Just a blatant attempt to improve my characterization skills. Still, read it for my sake. Updated after a year, out of boredom.
1. Kyon

_**- K Y O N **-_

* * *

Zack:Well hello there, consider this as a series of random talking without a visible plot if you must but I must humbly ask you to **not** close the window. Instead consider this as a way for the author to test out how much he knows about the characters of "The Melancholy of Kyon's Probable Girlfriend". He's just dropping his plot-making skills for a while and he's going to try and screw around with his emotion-making skills... I, Zack will be "interviewing" them in a way that a curious kid might do if that curious kid were to interview their favorite superhero...

_(Awkward Silence)_

Zack:Anyway...With me today is... _(Shuffle) (Shuffle) _Ky--on...

Kyon: Yo.

Zack:You seem like a pretty cool guy. Kyon, let's skip the introductions for a while. Instead, mind if I ask you a question?

Kyon: Go ahead.

Zack:What's your real name?

Kyon: Oh, it's... why are you asking me this?

Zack: Just felt like it. _(Snicker) _

Kyon:When you invited me to go here it came with a resume, I filled that out and I wrote it there.

Zack:There was a resume? _(Shifts Eyes)_

Kyon:Yes.

Zack:How old are you exactly?

Kyon:That was also on the resume.

Zack: Oh! So you're just going to go ahead and answer all of my interview questions with an "it's in the resume" eh? Is that how it's going to work?

Kyon:What? No! I didn't mean--

Zack:_(Points and wiggles finger at Kyon's nose)_ **DO YOU HAVE THE HOTS FOR HARUHI!!?**

Kyon:That's a little personal and why are you shou--?

Zack: Stop straying from the question KYON!! If that's even your real name! Say you were the last man on earth and you were given the choice of having one other person to stay with you would you rather have A) Haruhi; B) Mikuru or C) Me as your companion?

Kyon:This is getting strange...

Zack:Answer...

Kyon:Well... _(Crosses legs) _I definitely would **hate** being stuck with you...

Zack:So you'd rather have your way with one of the girls eh? _(Wink) (Wink) (Shove) (Shove)_

Kyon:No... it's mainly because you're noisy and random.

Zack: BUT Haruhi's noisy and random too! So I'm concluding that you prefer to be with Mikuru right? Is this because she'll never object to anything you do and is this because of her t-er... br-er... chest?

Kyon:What are you talking abou--

Zack:I should just stop interrupting you while you speak right?

Kyon:Exactl--

Zack: I mean this wouldn't be much of an interview if my words fill up the whole page right?

Kyon:...

Zack:...

Kyon:...

Zack:...

Kyon:...

Zack:...

Kyon:So as I was--

Zack:A B or C, man?

Kyon: _(Glare)_

Zack:Sorry, couldn't help myself back there.

Kyon:As I was saying... I've been stuck with Haruhi in several situations before so I guess I have a sense of trust with her.

**Zack: **I'm not talking about you guys getting stuck in an artificial universe wherein you could just leave if you knew how to.

Kyon:Don't remind me of that.

Zack: I'm talking about me walking up to every other person in the world and shooting them in the head before eventually shooting myself, this would leave you and Haruhi alone, left to live with each other.

Kyon:Well I guess. But isn't it natural for a person to feel safer if they're with a person they trust?

Zack:So true! Gasp! _(Gasp) _Haven't you been alone with Mikuru as well?

Kyon:Well yeah. But I guess that she'll be a little hard to manage. I've spent enough time with her enough to know that she'd probably panic too much in a situation like that. Older Mikuru on the other hand...

Zack:Oh, is it because she "combines cuteness and sexyness"? Unquote from book four.

Kyon: _(Slight Blush) _How did you know about that? Anyway, I'm sticking to my answer. I'd rather have Haruhi with me because she'll probably be able to keep her cool in a situation like that. Mikuru would probably feel a little confused and disoriented because of the lack of people and I just don't like the idea of being stuck in a world with another guy.

Zack:Su--re Kyon. Th--at's your reason. _(End of sarcasm)_

Kyon:What are you implying?

Zack: Well if that's the case, mind me asking, what are you planning to give to Haruhi on March 14?

Kyon:March 14?

Zack:White Day.

Kyon:I don't know, chocolates maybe. _(Shrug)_

Zack: C'mon Kyon, you're better than that.

Kyon: What are you saying now?

Zack: Why don't you take her out? Go see a movie, a walk in the park, a stroll in the mall you know, girls love those things.

Kyon: Why would I need to go through the trouble of doing that? I can just give her some chocolates like the same chocolates that I would give to Mikuru-chan and Nagato.

Zack: I guess, but that would be insensitive. Think of that as a way of... thanking her.

Kyon: What would I thank Haruhi for? The only thing she does to me is drag me around like a ragdoll making me do things I don't want to do. She never listens to me and she just goes on doing things like she's the queen of the universe. Which she is by the way, but she just doesn't know. Hey, maybe if I were to thank her of something it would be about those rare moments when she **doesn't** run my life like a dictator.

Zack: _(Smile) _You should thank her you know. If it wasn't for her you wouldn't have met Mikuru, Nagato and Koizumi. You wouldn't have met those three spectacular people. If it wasn't for her you'd still be living a black and white life wherein the only things you'd believe in are the things right in front of your eyes. She taught you that it's ok to believe. If it wasn't for her you'd still be that sarcastic everyday man right?

Kyon: ...

Zack: So how about it? A tryst with Haruhi? I can help you make some arrangements... I have connections you know.

Kyon: ...I'll think about it.

* * *

_**- K Y O N **-_

* * *

**Author's Note**

Sorry if it got a little short, Kyon's interview isn't over actually. I just need to go and finish something and I also wanted to submit this early. Think of it this way, I'm asking for reviews half-way through the chapter. Also comment on the whole characterization thing.

_(Begins working on book of life)_


	2. Haruhi

* * *

_**- H A R U H I -**_

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Ok to all of those saying that I shouldn't write this in script. Yeah, well I think that I **should** write this in script. Because I just want quick conversations, I mean what the hell should you narrate about during an interview?

**I watched her approach with long, confident strides. As she approached me I felt absolutely no difference in my emotion. I was calm as always but this woman, she had an eerie aura that I couldn't understand... then I realized that I just farted because I am face to face with the Haruhi Suzumiya.**

See! I am not going to do that because it's a waste of space and this isn't actually a narrative fic. So uhm... yeah, whatever.

* * *

Zack: What the hell is taking her so long?

Random Stage Guy: I don't know.

Zack: Does she always take this long to arrive?

Random Stage Guy: Sir, I seriously don't know.

Zack: Oh kay. You're fired.

RSG: What!?

Zack: Yes, you're fired for not knowing.

RSG: That's stupid.

Zack: Yeah, you're hired again boy.

RSG: Thanks sir.

Zack: NOW YOU'RE FIRED!!

RSG: WTF!? For what?

Zack: For calling me stupid a while back.

RSG: Aw shit. _(Walks away pouting)_

?: HELLOOOOO!!

Zack: That sounds like her. Hey Joe you're hired again.

Joe: W00t.

Zack: Now go get me some coffee.

Joe: Ah f--

Zack: Good morning there Ms. Suzumiya.

Haruhi: _(Takes her seat)_ I'm so sorry for making you wait. Zack?

Zack: Yep. I'm Canadian.

Haruhi: You are?

Zack: No.

Haruhi: Oh.

Zack: Anyway... _(shuffle) (shuffle)_ _So it's true, Kyon said that she'd be acting all formal in front of people she doesn't know._ _That's all about to change. _Ms. Suzumiya...

Haruhi: Yes?

Zack:** I AM AN ALIEN!!**

Haruhi: NO WAI

Zack: **YA WAI**

Haruhi: Wait a minute here. _(raises eyebrow) _Which planet did you come from?

Zack: I came from... Neptune.

Haruhi: What? Life doesn't exist in Neptune.

Zack: My blue eyes say otherwise **and** my presence here proves your theory wrong.

Haruhi: You don't even have some solid proof that you are an alien.

Zack: Strange. You're doubting me and yet with Kyon... you never doubt him...

Haruhi: That's because I trust him.

Zack: Do you trust him enough to be your BF.

Haruhi: What? _(Shifty eyes)_

Zack: Do you trust him enough to be your... best friend.

Haruhi: Well I guess. If you think about it, he's so close to me I **could** consider him as my best friend.

Zack: Ok, well, now that you consider him your best friend... I have another question.

Haruhi: Go on.

Zack: Would you consider him to be your... boyfriend?

Haruhi: _(Long moment of awkward silence)_ If he was going to make the mo-- moving space ship so we can prove that you **are **from Jupiter!

Zack: Neptune.

Haruhi: That's what I meant!

Zack: And did you just change the topic?

Haruhi: No... what were you talking about again?

Zack: I completely forgot.

Haruhi: Good.

Zack: What?

Haruhi: Nothing. Nothing.

Zack: Hey, what if I were to make a pass at you. Would you turn me down? Kyon said that you're interested in Aliens and stuff like that. If you go out with me I can show you my powers. _(Grin)_

Haruhi: -.-

Zack: I'll take that as a no. Fine then. I will prove to you now that I **am** in fact an alien.

Haruhi: How are you going to do that?

Zack: I. Have. No. Idea. Ok fine, screw that. I'm not really an alien, I just wanted to say that to test out how you'd react. Apparently Kyon was being correct again with how he thought you'd react. Anyway, speaking of Kyon, I've noticed that you're quite the jealous type.

Haruhi: What are you talking about?

Zack: Well, every time a girl gets "too close" to Kyon you always act defensive and you do really weird things just to separate Kyon and the girl. Why is that Suzumiya?

Haruhi: _(Crosses Legs) _That is because a romantic relationship will hinder the development of the club and its activities. Therefore, I choose to protect my members from romantic relationships with people outside of my organization.

Zack: Ah... Explain Mikuru and Kyon then.

Haruhi: _(Chokes)_ Wh-What?

Zack: You said you protect your members from romantic relationships **outside** your posse. But Mikuru and Kyon are both your members, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Haruhi: Well... there is a slight difference because they're part of the club...

Zack: So it's ok if those two begin going out? (-- --)

Haruhi: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

Zack: But you just said that there's nothing wrong with that!!

Haruhi: I said no such thing!

Zack: So are you saying that it's not ok for Kyon and Mikuru to begin going out!?

Haruhi: YES.

Zack: Why?

Haruhi: ...

Zack: Well...?

Haruhi: Ahem... Well the reason behind me disagreeing is because... Ahem... Mikuru plays too much of a vital role in the group. She's our sexy mascot after all and I choose to portrait her as the innocent-cute-virgin type girl who has no--

Zack: Did you just say virgin?

Haruhi: Yes. As I was saying, she was supposed to be the innocent-cute-virgin type girl who has no experience with relationships. So, if she were to go out with Kyon my whole idea of her, the way I built her up, would be totally destroyed! Are you getting what I'm saying Zack?

Zack: Yep.

Haruhi: If Mikuru and Kyon were to be seen in public together that would ruin her innocence! Her cuteness would still be there but its effect would be diminished dramatically and God knows if she'll still be a virgin! If **that** happens, who will be our mascot? Who will I use to attract the attention of paranormal freaks out there!? Who will be the cover girl for our website!? **Who's going to make that sweet tea...!!**

Zack: ...

Haruhi: _(Heavy breathing)_ Do you get my point Zack?

Zack: Yuki and Kyon.

Haruhi: WHAT?

Zack: What about Yuki and Kyon? Yuki is the silent character, nobody knows that she's there. So nobody would mind if Kyon began going out with her right?

Haruhi: That is... EQUALLY UNACCEPTABLE!! If Kyon began going out with Yuki, her silent character would be destroyed! She'd have to greet him every time he enters the room, she'd have to walk with him everywhere and she would also have to kiss him casually. Hell, Yuki would probably even go far as to preparing Kyon's lunch.

Zack: You sound like you're talking about the things you want to do with Kyon if you were his girlfriend.

Haruhi: WHAT!?

Zack: Just saying.

Haruhi: Anyway, if they were a couple Yuki wouldn't be reading books anymore, instead she'd be paying attention to Kyon. Every. Second. Of. Her. Life. She'd have to talk with him. **TALK** with him, she doesn't do that! **TALK**.

Zack: You seem a little angry, here's some water.

Haruhi: _(Gulps down water in one swing)_ OH! And don't get me started with the idea of Koizumi and Kyon going--

Zack: What? Oh don't talk about that that's gross.

Haruhi: ?

Zack: I'm sorry, I'm scared of those things. _(Shudder)_

Haruhi: Oh ok. See! Now that I've explained on why relationships suck...!

Zack: I have a girlfriend. She's 17 years old, by the way I'm 19. How old are you Haruhi?

Haruhi: What? I-I don't... What's this I don't... What are you talking about?

Zack: What I'm talking about is... Hey, Koizumi and Mikuru would that work?

Haruhi: Let's see... Yes. It would work perfectly. Mikuru is such a cute girl and I find Koizumi to be a little hot, so if they went out, it would benefit the club perfectly. It would be like us having a mini-celebrity couple in the club! Those two are really popular in our school you know. _(Nods) (Nods)_

Zack: Pretty clever idea.

Haruhi: Yep.

Zack: I have an equally clever idea Haruhi.

Haruhi: What is it?

Zack: You're popular throughout the clubs in your school right?

Haruhi: Yes.

Zack: And you're pretty well known for being an eccentric smart girl right?

Haruhi: Aw, stop it with the compliments or I'll blush.

Zack: And... Kyon is known as the silent sarcastic type M I RITE?

Haruhi: Where are you going... with this...?

Zack: You guys should go out! Yes! You would make the perfect "opposites" couple! Sure, your functionality as a couple could be a little crooked but that's where the attention will role in! People in your school will be baffled on what you see in each other and therefore! They will begin, to visit your club and report paranormal activities just to observe the both of yo-- Haruhi?

Zack: Where the hell did she go? Well that ended too quickly, I didn't even ask her if she can fly yet...

Joe: I think she left when you said that their functionality would be crooked.

Zack: Oh. Ok. YOU'RE FIRED!!

Joe: What for!?

Zack: Because you didn't tell me to stop talking! Look at all the wasted space! You wasted **my **time, you wasted our **reader's** time! And you wasted 4 KBs of ff DOT net's memory! You incessant useless drone!

Joe: Sir I only came here to bring your coffee and...

Zack: The coffee has cream in it... I drink **BLACK** coffee! Get out and make another one!

Joe: But I thought I was fired.

Zack: See, I was giving you an opportunity to get your job back and what do you do? Screw it up. Go home Joe. Nobody likes you.

Joe: _(Leaves)_

Zack: Sigh... this interview is yet to be over...

Haruhi: _(From the distance) _Hey Kyon!! Wanna go out with me!?

Zack: ...nice.

* * *

_**- H A R U H I -**_

* * *

**Author's Thoughts: ****Who** should we do next...


	3. Koizumi

* * *

**_- K O I Z U M I -_**

**_

* * *

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I'm bored and need a break from playing. Let's write this. I'm still writing in script if anybody gives a damn.

* * *

Zack: Well, as we all know it's been---- HOLY CHRIST IT'S BEEN A YEAR!?!? What the hell? My God, author boy has been slacking with his fanfiction work, even though we know studying and college are important one cannot merely skip writing fanfiction! I mean, fanfiction is a good training ground for...... anything! Jesus, I can't believe this fic has been neglected for so long. Man, I hope some people are still interested in this. On a side note, I wonder what happened to Joe the stagehand.

Koizumi: ^_^

Zack: Gah! You scared the bejeesus out of me man! H-How long have you been sitting there?

Koizumi: A whole year. ^_^

Zack: ... You should be dead or something. Did you even bother going to the bathroom this past 365 days? Because if the reason you've been staying there for a year is because something heavy is keeping you down, then I'm out of here.

Koizumi: It was quite a challenge staying here for so long, but truth be told I was lying back there. I have only been sitting on this chair for around ten minutes. The original occupant was Nagato Yuki.

Zack: Oh... that makes sense, she's independent from the time-plane so she probably won't die off something like starvation. Anyway, why'd she leave?

Koizumi: She got bored, perhaps.

Zack: That sucks. Anyway what are you doing here then? Nobody called for you to get interviewed yet.

Koizumi: I actually received such a call, and as you can see I am here because of the call.

Zack: Who the hell called you..... nevermind. Didn't a reviewer request for Mikuru to come next? Did you do something to her.....?

Koizumi: I haven't done anything to Asahina.

Zack: How are you so sure....?

Koizumi: You can take my word for it, she is resting soundly in her house right now.

Zack: She better man! If she isn't then I'll probably kick your ass just for lying to me.

Koizumi: :(

Zack: It's strange, your lips are frowning but your eyes are still ^_^, very creepy man. Do you have something in your eye?

Koizumi: Haha, no.

Zack: I'm not going to bother asking then. We should get to the formal interview now.

Koizumi: I believe so.

Zack: First formal question: How does it feel being stuck with a masking personality? What I'm saying is, you have to keep up this I'm a smiling, happy bastard face at all times. Isn't it bothering you?

Koizumi: It's not too much of a bother to say the least, it can get quite enjoyable after you're used to it. I am not doing this act for myself you see, I am also doing this act for the betterment of everyone.

Zack: What's the point? Haruhi gets displeased, the world gets screwed, she presses the restart button, but nobody remembers anything anyway. That's not much of a consequence since things are likely to return back to normal... except "normal" will just get a whole different meaning, but whatever.

Koizumi: That is exactly our Espers' purpose, our purpose is to prevent that from happening. As you have mentioned, things are only _likely_ to return to normal, there is no completely assurance that the world will return to normal, and if the world does return to a different form of "normal" consequences cannot be avoided. For all we know, when Suzumiya-san chooses to recreate the world, certain beings might not return as part of the new world because of her discontentment with them in the past world.

Zack: Man, I only understood probably half of the things you said back there. Anyway... next question. Why are you so fond of these long philosophical explanations? Is it to increase the novel's word-count or something?

Koizumi: No, no, that would be a rather boring reason. The reason on why I am fond of long explanations is because it is Kyon's desire to know much about Suzumiya-san and the world she has created.

Zack: Really? Half of the time it just sounds like he's bored of you talking.

Koizumi: He is not, it only sounds that way because he is drowned in my words.

Zack: That sounded weird... And based on how you were saying things back there, you're making it sound like if you don't give these long explanations then _Kyon_'_s_ going to be the one to restart the world.

Koizumi: ^_^

Zack: Hmmm... there's this theory that Kyon and Haruhi are both godly beings but are from different dimensions and that their love is what's allowing their dimensions to cross into this world and whatnot......

Koizumi: ...

Zack: ...

Koizumi: ...

Zack: Holy crap, that was a long sentence forged without grammar. Anyway, putting that conspiracy theory aside, I'm going to ask you this question.

Koizumi: Please, go ahead.

Zack: Are you ambigously gay? _(Shifts eyes)_

Koizumi: No, as I explained before my actions are directed by Suzumiya-san's inner needs. To put it in simpler terms, she needs somebody to act as the mysterious transfer student before her eyes. If I do not act this way, grave consequences might occur if she begins to lose interest and fall into boredom.

Zack: So, you're ambigously gay towards Kyon because of Haruhi's need for Yaoi in her life?

Koizumi: That would probably be the best explanation suited for you.

Zack: Ok....... then why do you **_only _**_invade his personal space when Haruhi_**_ isn't _**_around_? _(Shifts eyes)_

Koizumi: Well.... uhm.... Hmmm....

Zack: -_-

_Awkward silence._

Zack: You don't have to answer that question now. You can just... take your time if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Koizumi: I see well..... why are you backing your chair up...?

Zack: I don't want _you_ invading _my_ personal space!!

* * *

_**- K O I Z U M I -**_

_**

* * *

**_**Author's Note: **I need not notes since this was writen out of boredom. I probably didn't even check for errors. _ _ "


End file.
